Sam707's Xanga

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:58:33 GMT

As life changes I have to wonder what or why or how we can always roll with the punches. I am confused at trying to figure out what is next. But here is the thing. I do know what is next and a huge part of it - all of it freigthen me. I get why gettting married so young has an appeal to it, I really do. I think I had to face this next step with someone else it might be just as hard, but none the less, when there is someone else who is going to support you through the next phase. So as everyone else is off getting married I have to think it all through and really just go, "okay scary world. I am coming at you."

What I really want is to not exactly know what is next but to stop worrying about it. I am excited that I have the oppurtunity to go and see Europe, but what about my life and my world after that? That is the part that confuses me so much, and I don't know what this next step is. Seee the world around me and stop seeing this trip as "one of the greatest times in my life." but instead as another oppurtunity that I took and am looking forward to.

But in reality there are thigns i want so much with life and i wodner if i will really get them . But I need to just wait and enjoy because this is a season too. Waiting and preparing are just as important because if you are not ready for the opputunities that come your way you need to jump on them.

"Goodness! How Terrible for you!"

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:17:15 GMT

It would appear that not having power does two very different things to my mother and me. She complains and I enjoy it. But I shall back track.

This entire month of June has just been full of ugly ugly days punctured by a nice day, in the month of June there have been 5 days without rain. And finally we had more then just a few drops. Though for someone who live in New England thunderstorms are not uncommon. You can usually smell them coming, just like you can smell snow. The air is thick, the sky is green and their is the eeirie silence coating the ground. What happened on Friday was odd. The sky was grey without a pigment different, the air was heavy with a laden fog and the air tasted... almost too sweet. And that's when at that exact moment a blanket of hail collapsed from the sky. I didn't know if you knew that tornadoes and hail go hand in hand. I did not. And luckily while I was not driving into a tornado and unlike many around me my car windshield did not break, it was still rather frightening. And then a gust of wind literally blew my car into the other lane. I survived only to come home to a hail covered yard, and no power.

But with no power I played cards with my parents. Wrote in my journal by oil lamp and watched a movie with my mother on my charged lap top. The next morning came and all my mother did was complain. To me her inability to fix the situations in life is something that drives me crazy. When there is a problem in my life I want a solution. So while she complained about no shower I went and got my eyebrows waxed and paid for a professional shampoo job at the salon. I read two books. (all be it they were short and had rather big print). Ate lunch at Panera bread and ran some errands. All in all a lovely twenty four hours.

Not saying it didn't have its setbacks. I had wanted to talk to Jaimie and my phone wasn't charged. Not taking a shower isn't that fun, but all in all the absolute stillness of the weekend. Being forced to do something different then I might have, was nice. I welcomed a break. And finishing off the weekend with a Harry's Hamburger and onion rings was fabulous.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thu, 28 May 2009 18:20:11 GMT

The funny thing is - i had this long blog entry all ready to go about writer's block. It went at length explaining that all i was listening to was Taylor Swift's docile voice and all i wanted to do was watch re-runs of TV shows. Now I just feel tired and can't manage to wake up. I feel like I have been processing being away from school for a while now. The switch to summer is always an interesting one for me and more difficult then i am willing to admit. With the exception of L talking with people from school has been difficult. Maybe because this past year has had so much drama going on. Maybe because I was lonely and confused and feeling let go of. Maybe maybe maybe. But whatever it was the year and the semester are over. I have the ability for a fresh start.

I will be in Europe for four months soon. Kate will be there and I can cower behind her while we gallavant through her city. It does not take me long to get confident in a place but the reality is i will be a pilgrim for 3.5 months confused but happy (i hope). Its strange to think that I might make Salzburg my city, that i might learn to become a citizen of the world rather then just the eastern sea board. But the world is big and there is a lot for me to see, but apparently I have to be divorced to go on an adventure. I feel like EVERY travel memoir has a divorced woman featured in it. And as i was being all bitter because I'm not just fresh out of a relationship I am looking for a new start a fresh start. Looking for find myself looking to get grounded for a bit.

But now I just need to focus on being happy, because not falling into some pit of despair is a good thing. I just do not know quite how to manage this all at once. I feel like I have been transported back to the summer before college, so unaware of what was next. And so many other things at once. Would it be too much to ask to get this all figured out sometime soon?

My problem might be my fear of passion. I like stability too much. Passion of any kind to any side or degree is a frustrating thing, maybe I need a little more of it in my life. Well the good kind at least.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 04:19:42 GMT

I am going to graduate. I have this nothingness streched out in front of me. It's called my life. I am going to graduate and lead a small meaningless life i fear. And then i came across this quote from my favorite movie "You Got Mail"

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

And then i realized. I just need to write it down. I'll be fine. I need to calm down and remember that i need to push boundaries and live the life I want. I might fail. But I'll have it in print won't i?

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 05:57:34 GMT

I actually ache for something that might not come for a long time if ever. And in the immortal words of Neil, "Why is commitment so god-damned sexy?"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 21:30:19 GMT

For the first time in a long time I am excited about something. Its not a boy, its not a grade, its an expirence. In 162 days time i am leaving the country and going to Austria. For a long time, freshman year, I had wanted to do this. I saw these adds about studying in Austria and i perked up. I heard about the program bit by bit. I wanted to go last year but i wasn't in a place where i could go. And now, and now i can. I am free to go an expirence this life that i am living. I think going has allowed me to realise that everything going on here is just not important. We will see what happens next. But now i dont have to deal with stuff as much as i used to. Now i can appraciate and enjoy what is. Friendships come and go and the stagnent one that has left this taste in my mouth is what i know if it will survive. But it doesn't have to. Friendship is not a life sentence.

But i leave in 162. My elation knows no bounds. I get to see Kate in her element and maybe see Jason in his. =)

my 25 things

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 03:41:21 GMT

I realized tonight that i never put this up on facebook, i might as well put it here.

1. I love chocolate in my ice cream but I don’t like chocolate based ice creams

2. When I’m bored I usually just go to Barnes and Nobel and read the magazines there. It’s cheaper than buying them all.

3. I am Team Jacob.

4. I like to spell realize as “realise” but the stupid red underline annoys me so much that I conform.

5. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. It’s sorta ridiculous, but I love it and the community that has sprung up around the book. Oh and I am totally a Ravenclaw.

6. I love driving with the windows down, the radio up and obeying the speed limit. I have this paranoia about speeding.

7. I wish my father was Stephen Fry, the comedian, author, actor, director, etc. Don’t get me wrong I love my father a ton it’s just Stephen Fry is ridiculously awesome.

8. I love coffee. Pumpkin Spice Lattes sometimes make life worth living.

9. I love going out to a baseball game. My first legal drink in the states is most likely going to be some awful beer at a ball game.

10. I have seen every episode of the show Friends and will randomly quote various episodes.

11. I graduated in a class of nine.

12. I still have my teddy bear. Except when Kassie stole him and renamed him from “Bearie” to “Pierre the Teddy Bear.”

13. I love to clean. I hate to organize. This weekend I literally cleaned my suite’s bathroom with a toothbrush.

14. I live in New England and can’t ski. My parents are from California and thought it was pointless since they don’t like snow.

15. I have a fear of heights, its more the fear of falling from them but I don’t even like walking up to the third floor of the academic building.

16. I love British television, which translates to that fact that I knew about Old Greg before you did.

17. I have a crush on Anderson Cooper the CNN anchor.

18. I really hate Christmas morning. I have never really liked getting presents. I’d much rather buy what I want when I need it. This continues to annoy my father and every Christmas without fail my mother calls me ungrateful. I told them this to not buy me presents but rather get my text books. But they ignored me because they love to give presents, so the cycle continues.

19. I love getting to know people. Talking to people for the first time has never been a barrier for me.

20. I love the Bridge Jones’ diary movies. Hugh Grant and Colin Firth are my favorites.

21. My favorite song is “America” by Simon and Garfunkel.

22. I feel naked when I don’t wear mascara. I usually wear brown anyway, but since I have blonde short eyelashes I feel like I look like a fish without it.

23. At my high school people thought I was liberal. My views haven’t really changed that much – I just find this fact amusing since I’m conservative compared to my roommate.

24. I only listen to certain music during certain times of the year. It mainly has to do with when I discovered the music. For example I only listen to death cab for cutie in September and only listen to the Police in April. Right now it’s a lot of Arcade Fire and Razorlight.

25. I love tattoos and wanted to get “agape” on my wrist. I don’t like needles and I’m afraid it will come out bad.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 03:35:14 GMT

the countdown until Austria begins. Im off to Salzburg for 4 months in 4 months. =)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 18:08:15 GMT

I don't exactly forget about this thing, i just forget sometimes that the things swimming in my head can be put down in a place for me to come back to later. I type faster then i write so i enjoy not using my journal. I am confused, amazed and overwhelmed right now. The changes that have gone one since, shall i call it "the honeymoon period" have ended. I knew it would happen I really did, i just didn't think that it would so quickly, so permanently and so divisively.

Everything I was going through last spring has not exactly been fixed it has not been cured nor has it really grown. It was just sitting there waiting for it to happen again. But it has and the cycle continues. I know that part of it is my fault, and i have curbed my actions my tongue from lashing back. But i do not know how much longer I can cope with this. There are things that come rushing back to me, and i try my very hardest not to care. But i do.

So therefore i question the frienship I had. And everything I think will fix it does not. Everything just keeps making it worse and worse. I wish with all my life that this was easier, that I could say something to either of them.

But one of them will not care and one of them will not see my side because she is convinced I am in the wrong. How fabulous is that? One claims to care about me and one has never claimed such a thing. Oh dear. I am sick of leaving people behind because of weakness, but this loneliness is permeating and I need some outlet. But those that could once curb it I think I am about to leave behind. One of them will come back and ask why, but the other will just go "oh. that was nice" and continue on. I knew the latter part all along, but it still aches.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:07:49 GMT

i dont think there is anything on this planet quite as upset and or bad as a computer problem that you can not fix, it might be the worst thing in the world.