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| As life changes I have to wonder what or why or how we can always roll with the punches. I am confused at trying to figure out what is next. But here is the thing. I do know what is next and a huge part of it - all of it freigthen me. I get why gettting married so young has an appeal to it, I really do. I think I had to face this next step with someone else it might be just as hard, but none the less, when there is someone else who is going to support you through the next phase. So as everyone else is off getting married I have to think it all through and really just go, "okay scary world. I am coming at you."
What I really want is to not exactly know what is next but to stop worrying about it. I am excited that I have the oppurtunity to go and see Europe, but what about my life and my world after that? That is the part that confuses me so much, and I don't know what this next step is. Seee the world around me and stop seeing this trip as "one of the greatest times in my life." but instead as another oppurtunity that I took and am looking forward to.
But in reality there are thigns i want so much with life and i wodner if i will really get them . But I need to just wait and enjoy because this is a season too. Waiting and preparing are just as important because if you are not ready for the opputunities that come your way you need to jump on them.
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| It would appear that not having power does two very different things to my mother and me. She complains and I enjoy it. But I shall back track.
This entire month of June has just been full of ugly ugly days punctured by a nice day, in the month of June there have been 5 days without rain. And finally we had more then just a few drops. Though for someone who live in New England thunderstorms are not uncommon. You can usually smell them coming, just like you can smell snow. The air is thick, the sky is green and their is the eeirie silence coating the ground. What happened on Friday was odd. The sky was grey without a pigment different, the air was heavy with a laden fog and the air tasted... almost too sweet. And that's when at that exact moment a blanket of hail collapsed from the sky. I didn't know if you knew that tornadoes and hail go hand in hand. I did not. And luckily while I was not driving into a tornado and unlike many around me my car windshield did not break, it was still rather frightening. And then a gust of wind literally blew my car into the other lane. I survived only to come home to a hail covered yard, and no power.
But with no power I played cards with my parents. Wrote in my journal by oil lamp and watched a movie with my mother on my charged lap top. The next morning came and all my mother did was complain. To me her inability to fix the situations in life is something that drives me crazy. When there is a problem in my life I want a solution. So while she complained about no shower I went and got my eyebrows waxed and paid for a professional shampoo job at the salon. I read two books. (all be it they were short and had rather big print). Ate lunch at Panera bread and ran some errands. All in all a lovely twenty four hours.
Not saying it didn't have its setbacks. I had wanted to talk to Jaimie and my phone wasn't charged. Not taking a shower isn't that fun, but all in all the absolute stillness of the weekend. Being forced to do something different then I might have, was nice. I welcomed a break. And finishing off the weekend with a Harry's Hamburger and onion rings was fabulous.
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| The funny thing is - i had this long blog entry all ready to go about writer's block. It went at length explaining that all i was listening to was Taylor Swift's docile voice and all i wanted to do was watch re-runs of TV shows. Now I just feel tired and can't manage to wake up. I feel like I have been processing being away from school for a while now. The switch to summer is always an interesting one for me and more difficult then i am willing to admit. With the exception of L talking with people from school has been difficult. Maybe because this past year has had so much drama going on. Maybe because I was lonely and confused and feeling let go of. Maybe maybe maybe. But whatever it was the year and the semester are over. I have the ability for a fresh start.
I will be in Europe for four months soon. Kate will be there and I can cower behind her while we gallavant through her city. It does not take me long to get confident in a place but the reality is i will be a pilgrim for 3.5 months confused but happy (i hope). Its strange to think that I might make Salzburg my city, that i might learn to become a citizen of the world rather then just the eastern sea board. But the world is big and there is a lot for me to see, but apparently I have to be divorced to go on an adventure. I feel like EVERY travel memoir has a divorced woman featured in it. And as i was being all bitter because I'm not just fresh out of a relationship I am looking for a new start a fresh start. Looking for find myself looking to get grounded for a bit.
But now I just need to focus on being happy, because not falling into some pit of despair is a good thing. I just do not know quite how to manage this all at once. I feel like I have been transported back to the summer before college, so unaware of what was next. And so many other things at once. Would it be too much to ask to get this all figured out sometime soon?
My problem might be my fear of passion. I like stability too much. Passion of any kind to any side or degree is a frustrating thing, maybe I need a little more of it in my life. Well the good kind at least.
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| I am going to graduate. I have this nothingness streched out in front of me. It's called my life. I am going to graduate and lead a small meaningless life i fear. And then i came across this quote from my favorite movie "You Got Mail"
Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.
And then i realized. I just need to write it down. I'll be fine. I need to calm down and remember that i need to push boundaries and live the life I want. I might fail. But I'll have it in print won't i?
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| I actually ache for something that might not come for a long time if ever. And in the immortal words of Neil, "Why is commitment so god-damned sexy?"
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